Dear 21 year old misfit

I know, it sucks.  Life as you know it isn't worth living.  Just grab one of your red leopard print journals and start plastering it with emo musings and freshly printed grainy pictures.  Listen to Weezer or one of your new OBC recordings to soothe the pain.

You've already come to terms with the pain that you'll never see Alan Cumming live as the Emcee in Studio 54.  The Donmar Cabaret video will hold you over, but it's just not the same.  So you began wearing out the 1998 Original Broadway Cast Recording until you had to buy replacement backups.  So you have the CD booklet in your purse with you at all times.  So that one therapist thought you were a bit nuts for being so obsessed with a skinny vulgar man in makeup.  So everyone at your work thinks you're crazy for constantly having the journal with you while making frequent trips up to NYC.  So what if NYC is your salvation and true therapy during these difficult family times.  You got to see Alan Cumming 5 times in the play Design for Living, and you met him.  You have 3 pictures with him.  You're pretty on top of the world.  2001 may not be so bad after all.

You have matching eyebrow piercings with Alan, and you've bleached chunks of your hair to look like your mutual Girl Power love Ginger Spice.  You are exploring body modification and cover up your thickening body as much as you can.  Socially, you are broadening your horizons online and have your close friends at home, but you're still miserable because you don't have a boyfriend.  Right now, NYC is your boyfriend.

Thanks to the Alan Cumming obsession, you watched the movie The Anniversary Party multiple times in the theatre.  One of the previews was always for the new movie Hedwig and the Angry Inch.  You were vaguely familiar with this since you were immersing yourself into the theatre world, and are drawn to the drag and punk aesthetic.  Needless to say, you made plans to go with your best friend to see it on a hot summer night in Philadelphia.

You were unaware of your surroundings during those 95 minutes.  By the time "Origin of Love" began, you were completely mesmerized.  You couldn't get enough of the music, the costumes, whether or not Yitzhak is a woman, and the raw and true emotion.  Your brain couldn't process everything and you knew you needed to see this again.  You were pretty quiet after the movie ended because you knew that you would never be the same.

Pulling up reviews and websites for Hedwig became a regular pastime.  You realized that your first live Emcee (who you are in love with) was in both The Anniversary Party and starred as the final Hedwig off-Broadway in 2000.  Matt McGrath is the link to your two new worlds, and you became emotionally attached to him all the way through his final Cabaret performance in October.  You obtained special recordings and tried to experience these different renditions of Hedwig that you will never get to see.  Sure, you see a Philly production a year later, and it was absolutely fabulous.  But no one will affect you like John Cameron Mitchell, creator, performer, director, genius.

You play the movie soundtrack and off-Broadway CD often.  You absorb Stephen Trask's lyrics and post selections on your LiveJournal when you're not waxing poetic about what Broadway show you'll see next.  You saw the movie in a local theatre two more times by yourself.  One of these times was for a review you had to write for your theatre class.  Eerily enough, you were making the final edits on the morning of 9/11.  It was a very confusing week.  Focusing on the show and the declining Broadway box offices helped you.  You even went to NYC on 9/25 to support Cabaret, much to the horror of your family.

When Hedwig was released on DVD in the winter, you bought it immediately at Suncoast and licked it in front of all the patrons.  You don't understand why critics compare it to Rocky Horror (another favorite) because there is so much more heart, pain, confusion and life on top of the comparable beautiful costumes, thick makeup and sexuality.  What kills you inside is that you know you won't ever see JCM perform Hedwig onstage.  He had many replacements in the run, and it didn't look like it was coming back to the Jane Street any time soon.

You leapt on the opportunity to meet JCM at a DVD signing at TLA Video on December 15, 2001.  He was so petite and sweet and lovely and you just wanted to die when he gave you the quintessential JCM closed mouth grin.  You got a picture while towering over him in the seats.  You proudly explored the West Village by yourself for the first time.  You decided to see Rocky Horror for the first time on Broadway in the afternoon, and Kevin Cahoon happened to be understudying Frank-N-Furter that week.  Cahoon was one of the Jane Street Hedwigs, and you just saw him in the DVD documentary.  Needless to say, you found a new love that day.  Then you decided to see Cabaret at night, and it was your second time seeing Raul Esparza as the Emcee.  Little did you know that he would become a love of yours as well, despite your emo brooding over Matt's departure.

You had Hedwig and the Angry Inch, The Rocky Horror Show, and Cabaret all in one day.  This is your trifecta of favorite shows.  You will never have a more perfect day in New York City.  You will come close!  You will come damn close.  But nothing has surpassed Saturday, December 15, 2001.

You found all these new loves, but you will still hang onto regret for years, no matter what Rent tells you to do.  You will see original casts, you will see actors return to their roles, but there's a sad part of your soul yearning to see JCM or Alan in their definitive roles.  Oh sure, you will see JCM in a Tony Kushner workshop and a Larry Kramer benefit.  Bring tissues, as he's even brilliant when delivering his lines in plainclothes on a folding chair.  You will see Alan in an avant-garde Jean Genet play and then ignore him for 9 years until his one-man production of Macbeth that you will see with your husband.  Yes, you do get married.  Don't worry, he's wonderfully supportive, loving, and geeky, and you won't know what to do without him.  (And he will support your loves.)

The weirdest thing will start happening after you get married...favorite closed shows will return in some capacity.  You will have told your husband all about your past theatre-going days, but you'll be sad because he will never have a chance to fully experience your favorite shows.  Then Assassins (yes, you will actually worship a Sondheim show) will come back for a one-night concert reunion in 2012.  You will squeeze your butts in the rear mezzanine while you lament how Studio 54 got remodeled after Cabaret and Assassins closings. (Yes, you were at Cabaret's closing show, and yes, Alan had nothing to do with it, and yes, you saw Matt and hid because you didn't want to scare him.)  You will be so excited to see Neil Patrick Harris and Denis O'Hare again.  I know, you're surprised that you've seen NPH multiple times in two shows and never saw Vinnie Delpino in one.

The unbelievable happens in 2013...Roundabout will announce that Cabaret will be revived at Studio 54 with Alan Cumming and Michelle Williams in March 2014.  But then- then- Hedwig and the Angry Inch will announce its Broadway debut with NPH in March 2014.

Your head will feel like it's going to explode.  All these conflicting, wonderful, and nostalgic feelings will wash over you.  It will be bad timing because you will have so many grownup responsibilities and problems.  Don't worry, you'll get through them, but the revival news will come at a very strange time.  You won't be able to buy tickets as soon as they go on sale, but you will eventually snag them for the same weekend in April, which happens to be your 2nd wedding anniversary weekend.  Did I mention your husband is amazing?  You got your Cabaret tattoo in 2013 and you get your Hedwig tattoo a couple weeks before the performance.

In the meantime, your friend produces a two night 10 year reunion concert of Taboo, the Boy George musical that got you through 2003-2004.  You won't even blink over spending the money for highly in-demand tickets in February 2014.  You really did make some wonderful friends over your theatre-going years.  You may be a bit of a loner up there now, but things are going to change in 2002.

April 26th and 27th, 2014.  Two days you will never forget.  12-13 years after it all began.

Hedwig will be a religious experience.  You are still a skeptic who doesn't believe in an organized religion, but you believe in Hedwig.  NPH will be so amazing that you will have a transcendental experience and almost fling yourself off the mezz when he sings the lyrics "Lift up your hands."  And you're going to laugh, but your new favorite song will be "Sugar Daddy."  Just trust me.  Cabaret will bring you to tears as soon as you walk back into Studio 54, or your second home from October 2000-January 2004.  You won't be able to breathe during the "Willkommen" drum roll, and you will sob up until Alan starts taking off his coat.  You will have to calm yourself so you can wipe the streaky tears and fog off your glasses, as this may be the only time you get to see him perform as the Emcee.  Absorb every millisecond.

You will not plan on going back to the show, but then an actress you grow to love in the late 2000's will be playing Sally Bowles.  You and your husband will be dying to see her, so you buy tickets for December 2014.  You get there, and her understudy's on.  You will not stay to see Alan so you can afford to buy tickets for another performance.  This will confuse you since you have never ever turned down tickets to see Alan perform.  It will be the moment you realize that you've really grown.  After all, you won't even see the first two Hedwig replacements after NPH, as much as you like them.  And you didn't run to write about the shows like you thought you would in April.  No more painstaking logging.

You will be in an even tougher period of your life.  Please, don't panic, you will be stronger than you think.  But you will receive news that makes the theatre section of the Internet explode:  John Cameron Mitchell will be playing Hedwig for 8 weeks on Broadway.  

JCM.  As Hedwig.  On Broadway.

You will get tickets that afternoon for his fourth performance and first Saturday.

You will feel like nothing else in theatre will ever be as important as those 100 minutes on January 24, 2015.

You will have checked off your bucket list with Alan, but you never in a million years expected to see JCM get back into the wig and makeup,  He pretty much retired from acting after the movie and switched to directing.  You will immerse yourself in the music and pictures and memories all over again.  You will not believe your luck.  You will feel like you're in your early 20's again.

You will be so grateful that this piece of art is being represented as it should be by the master.  Everyone will be saying "The bitch is back, the queen is back."  Gay and transgender civil rights will be hot topics in 2014-2015.  In some ways, you will feel like the country is regressing, but in other ways, you will see that progress is being made.  It will be very important for the hugely famous household name (yes!) and openly gay (yes!!) actor Neil Patrick Harris to kick off the production.  So many people will come to see the show who normally wouldn't.  New fans will be made, old fans will be happy to see Miss Hedwig back.  But the fans who were around when the character was workshopped in the 1990s, at the Jane Street, at the movie, whether in the theatre or on DVD....these are the people who are losing their minds with joy over John Cameron Mitchell coming back to the role that he created and made iconic.

As you know, this is not an easily described show.  Even a quick summary involves the words "botched sex change" which usually garners some funny looks.  It's a highly personal show that means many different things to different people.  You will be touched by so many parts of the show and score over the years.  You always feel like you are understood while sitting and crying during the songs.

"I look back at where I'm from
Look at the woman I've become
And the strangest things seem suddenly routine"

You will even run a decently timed mile, thanks to the pulsating score.

"Oh God
I'm all sewn up
A hardened razor-cut
scar map across my body
And you can trace the lines
Through Misery's design
That map across my body"

Your tattoo will be a direct quote from the eleven o' clock number. (bolded)

"You think that luck has left you there
But maybe there's nothing up in the sky but air
And there's no mystical design
No cosmic lover preassigned
There's nothing you can find
that cannot be found
Cause with all the changes you've been through
It seems the stranger's always you
Alone again in some new wicked little town."

But ultimately, you will have a reading at your wedding from Plato's Symposium, or the basis for "Origin of Love," as you will have found your other half.  You will even make sure that the song is referenced at the end, because how can you get married without the spiritual influence of JCM and Trask?

When one of us meets our other half, we are lost in an amazement of love and friendship and intimacy, and would not be out of the other's sight even for a moment.  We pass our whole lives together, desiring that we should be melted into one, to spend our lives as one person instead of two, and so that after our death there will be one departed soul instead of two; this is the very expression of our ancient need.  And the reason is that human nature was originally one and we were a whole, and the desire and pursuit of the whole is called Love.
That's the origin of love.

You may be part of all the misfits and the losers at 21 years old, and you will always be one of these wonderfully diverse, creative, open-minded, fulfilling people.  You will be set free by your mother and be able to become one with your other half.  She will shine like your brightest star, and you will breathe, feel, love, give, free.

You will get through these next years of your life.  There will be some real winners, there will be some real losers.  But you will begin to fulfill your dreams and bucket lists.  You will become who you are meant to be.  You will surround yourself with people who understand and love you.  And you will defy anybody to try and tear you down.  

My Mother the Fangirl

My mother was the ultimate fangirl.

I miss her terribly.  This is the 4th mother's day that she won't be with me.  I know she's out of pain and out of that crippling Multiple Sclerosis shell, but it still hurts not to just have her around.

I think about the last couple nights she was alive (everything happened in a jarringly fast 12 hours, from the sudden cardiac arrest to the death).  I chewed her ear off about TV and actors as we waited in the ER for what felt like forever.  I turned on the little TV and left Frasier on.  When we got up to her room, I got the TV going again while I went over paperwork with the nurse.  She was excited to see that Craig Ferguson had started and that Neil Patrick Harris was his guest.  The following day, me and my (at the time boyfriend, now husband) went to visit her and she was excited because that movie Along Came Polly was on.  It allowed her to ogle Hank Azaria.  That was probably one of the last images she saw before she closed her eyes.  My husband joked as we left the room that he would page Dr Jimmy Smits for her.  Anyone who knew Mom can picture the beaming ear to ear smile she did as she moved her head back and forth.

We went to see the first installment of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, and we both knew somehow that we had to go back and visit her that night.  When the movie ended, I found at least 5  missed calls on my cell.  I knew it was the hospital.  I had just gotten a new phone (as my screen cracked that past week) and was still getting used to the adjustments.  The chaplain took us into her in room in the ICU after explaining the dire situation.  I knew I had that brief couple minutes in which I had to say everything I wanted to say before losing her to darkness.  What can you say?  It all sounds so hollow and trite and cliche.  But it was true.  And of course, I had to tell her "I'm sorry the doctors here aren't as hot as House."  That is what I chose to insert in my precious last words.  But I swear I saw her mouth twitch.  I'm still haunted by how she looked on that ICU bed.  It wasn't my mother anymore.  In the space of a few short hours, my mother had turned into a near corpse.  December 12, 2010 at 12:35 am is when the life I always knew changed forever.

I have healed a great deal over the past 4 years.  My therapist works in hospice care part-time and has her practice the rest of the time.  She has helped guide me through some insane revelations and baggage that I've needed to work out for a good 15 years now.  I felt so stupid that I talked about so many superficial things with Mom.  I feel selfish when I walk through Shubert Alley in NYC or see an amazing show or speak with my favorite actor for the umpteenth time, and all I want to do is pick up the phone and tell her.  She always told me she lived vicariously through all my adventures and that she wished she had the nerve to do half the things I did.

Mom may have been stuck in crappy jobs, but she was a musician who loved to dance and sing and go out to concerts and shows.  She followed The Four Seasons and Blood Sweat & Tears through the 70s, she went to as many Anthony Newley concerts as she could, and her favorite Broadway shows were Funny Girl, A Chorus Line, West Side Story, Gypsy, and Company.  I still have memories of her singing in the car while banging out the drum beat with her fist.  The song I can picture most clearly is "Glad All Over" by the Dave Clark Five.  She absolutely loved that song along with Ticket to Ride, Town Without Pity, If I Can't Have You, anything The Association, anything Sergio Mendes, Phil Collins in the 80s, the Back to the Future theme, both Dirty Dancing soundtracks....oh I could go on forever.  Music gave her solace, and I always had a stack of CDs next to her for when she was alone during the day.  I introduced her to new shows and actors, and I ended up making more Raul Esparza CD and video compilations than you can imagine.  She would have been so proud of him for SVU.

I hear these songs, and I'm either completely fine and happy or I get so emotional that I have to pull over to the side of the road.  I don't think Phil Collins intended "Invisible Touch" to elicit that reaction.

I've posted pieces of my mother's writing from the early 80s on my other blog, but in honor of Mother's Day, I wanted to share another piece.  I think she intended on writing a book about me and her life.  Posting exactly as she typed.

***

BOOK- 1
"Addicted to --- Reading?"

When Chrissi was about a year old, she liked nothing better than climbing onto Mommies lap to listen to one of her favorite storybooks.  Chrissi would amble to her book shelves and choose about 12 of her favorites for Mommie to read each day.  She had quite a library- fairy tales, animal adventures, and funny stories about other little children just like her.  After Mommie read the books, Chrissi would play with them all day long.  She could barely walk or talk, but her world was full of fun with all her storybook friends. 

By Chrissi's second birthday, she was able to read her first book.  It was a story about all the animals in the zoo.  Reading came easily to Chrissi.  It was a gift and she certainly used her gift every moment she could.  When she finished reading, she would pretend that she was the "star" of her favorite story of the day.  She'd act out the "best" parts with her dolls acting as the supporting cast.  When she felt like building, she would use the books as her blocks.  The larger books also made great tents for her dollhouse families camping adventures.

On birthdays, the only presents she wanted and truly enjoyed were books.  She took a supply everywhere she went.  When her family went to the shore so did the books.  She would read them on the long drive down and insist on playing with some in the sand.  She felt her story friends should not have to miss out on the fun.  After enough wet and sandy visits her books took quite a beating.  Chrissi, acting as a 'book doctor,' did her best to repair them with damp paper towels, tape and glue because they were her special friends.

Chrissi didn't watch a lot of television but when she did watch a program, she'd always sit with a bunch of books to read during the commercials or when the program lost her interest.  When her parents wanted to take a daytrip, they offered a trip to the zoo or a museum or perhaps a movie.  Chrissi would go to make them happy but her favorite place to go was the main branch of the city library.  Floors and floors of huge rooms with thousands of books.  Thousands of opportunities to travel to exciting places, to meet interesting people both real and imagined, to learn and laugh and to read over and over again.  Yes, she was addicted, but it was a wonderful addiction that would help her in school and in every day of her entire life.

****

I miss that little girl.  There is nothing wrong with being a fangirl and absorbed in movies, theatre, and TV- after all, it's what bonded me and Mom during those last hard 10 years.  You're never too old to be a fangirl.  But I see the pride and excitement in her words, and I want to go back to my voracious reading appetite.  I remember her through her love of music, and I would want any future child of mine to remember my love of reading.  Even when she's gone, she's still able to exert a strong influence over me.  I can hear her now, "Hey kid- your nose is always in that phone.  Why don't you read something already?"  Ok, Mom.  I promise to knock out a bookshelf this year.  And I also promise to listen to Broadway, actually finish shows on my Netflix queue, and let the oldies take me back to a time of childhood innocence.  And of course, I'll watch The Birdcage every time it's on, and maybe- just maybe- I'll actually watch Charade on my own.  But I'll always have a book on the table next to my spot.  

One Final Life Lesson From How I Met Your Mother

The How I Met Your Mother episode that meant the most to me this final season was the "Gary Blauman" episode.  My favorite was "How Your Mother Met Me," as it gave Cristen Milioti a chance to shine.  I don't want to talk about the finale, as I'm still processing its last 10 minutes.  I want to talk about how a seemingly filler episode like "Gary Blauman" is proof that the HIMYM writers have been spying on me for 9 years.

HIMYM was my Friends.  I was too young to truly understand the latter's dynamic when it originally aired, but I was right in HIMYM's demographic when it premiered in 2005.  It starred some of my favorite actors from my favorite shows (Buffy, Freaks & Geeks, and Doogie shout outs!), and there were quite a few episodes and moments that just mirrored my life.  I watched the show faithfully for 9 years.  Sure, there were times when some episodes built up on the DVR (especially in the last few years), but I always caught up.  My last car was named Marshmallow, and my current car is named Lilypad.  That's my level of devotion to the characters.  I found the idea of the 9th season being primarily set in Barney and Robin's wedding weekend to be interesting, and I went back to watching faithfully on Monday nights, especially since I wanted to be on top of all the moments with the revealed mother.

I wept at the end of the "Gary Blauman" episode.  I forgot that Gary Blauman was the name of Taran Killam's recurring character, and I got emotional to see everyone's husbands get a send-off with other featured players:  Killam (Cobie Smulders), Alexis Denisof as Sandy Rivers (Alyson Hannigan), and David Burtka as Scooter (Neil Patrick Harris).  The continuing long shot of everyone's future was really well done.

However, that's not what sent me over the edge.  I went back and transcribed this entire moment after Blauman blew up at the group and stormed out.  

SCENE

Barney:  Blauman will cool off eventually, we’ll see him again

Ted:  Of course we will.

Marshall:  I don’t know…I mean, we might really never see him again.  Listen, I remember at our wedding, looking around thinking, 'Man everyone here means so much to me.' A bunch of those people…yeah, I haven’t seen them since.

Narrator Ted:  And that’s how it goes kids.  The friends, neighbors, drinking buddies, and partners in crime you loved so much when you’re young.  As the years go by, you just lose touch.  That being said, I did manage to keep track of a few people. 

You will be shocked, kids, when you discover how easy it is in life to part ways with people forever. That’s why when you find someone you want to keep around, you do something about it.

END SCENE

Our second wedding anniversary was just this past Monday.  The wedding itself feels like yesterday, but things are starting to fade a bit more.  I'm actually quite glad I waited so long to do the wedding album because now I can go through and relive so many wonderful memories.  I remember sitting at our sweetheart table during dinner and just looking around the entire room.  I tried to soak in that moment as deeply as I could.  "These people are all here for us.  These people love us and want to see us succeed in our life.  And these people will never all be in the same room together ever again."  It was a sobering thought, and I just made sure to have the time of my life for the next couple hours.  

There are people from our wedding that I have seen intermittently over the past couple years, there are some I will most likely never see again.  There are some who became even closer to us.  There are new people in our lives that we think, Aw man, wish we had known them at the time of our kick ass wedding.  There are people that, as Robin said in the finale episode, are only going to be around for "the big things."  As much as that breaks my heart, I understand it's a part of life.  It's a shitty part of life, she types while huge tears fall down her cheeks, but it's life.  

As Blink-182 sang so memorably at the end of Can't Hardly Wait, "Well I guess this is growing up."

And it hurts.  You want to cling onto everyone and freeze frame those wonderful moments in your life.  But it passes, and life changes, and you're not the same person you were 2 years ago, or even 6 months ago.  It doesn't mean you care any less for these people and the impact they made on your life.  It's wonderful to be able to flip through an album and see so many different groups of people from different time periods of your life celebrating together.  

I want to focus on getting our life in order and stable.  I want us to live a long happy life together.  And I will love those people, "old" and "new," who are there for us.  And I will never forget anybody who made an impact on my life, whether they were at our wedding or not.  People come in and out of your life for a reason.

2013 year wrap up

• 1:What did you do in 2013 that you’d never done before?
  Consistent exercise plus smoothies.  Sounds ridiculously simple, but it was life changing!
• 2:Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
  I don't remember them all, but the main one was to lose weight and change my health.  And I did!  That will pretty much keep going into next year.
• 3:Did anyone close to you give birth?
  Sure did!  My dear friend J had his first baby (girl) on September 17, and "bester" D had her second baby boy on October 24.  Beautiful children!  My husband also gained a new little cousin on November 26.  And of course, there were plenty of births on Facebook.  ;-) 
• 4:Did anyone close to you die?
  My "person" D lost her beloved MomMom in June, and that really saddened me.  Such a wonderful woman whom I was privileged to know for over 20 years.  I have another good friend who went through quite a bit of loss, and my heart hurts for her.  
• 5:What countries did you visit?
  I have never left the US.  I don't even have a passport yet!
• 6:What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013
  A million dollars.  ;-)
• 7:What dates from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
  April 28 for being our first wedding anniversary (and the day we were introduced to Shake Shack and The Meatball Shop, HA.)
  September 17 and October 24 for the babies
  October 1 for the day everything changed at work
  October 26 for our epic Game of Throne party, November 25 for officially launching my husband's Etsy shop, December 11 for the day we saw/met Sir Patrick Stewart and Sir Ian McKellan after Waiting for Godot. 
• There were many more memorable days....but my memory's turning into swiss cheese, and I never remember much about the beginning of the year aside from my husband's birthday and Monster Mania.  
• 8:What was your biggest achievement of the year?
  Losing 41 pounds and changing my eating/exercise lifestyle.  Climbing a more difficult rock wall.  Jogging 2 miles without pausing.  Lots of therapy breakthroughs.
• 9:What was your biggest failure?
  Allowing anxiety to smother me at points.
• 10:Did you suffer illness or injury?
  I had vertigo on NYE and once again in March.  The March episode took me to the ER.  I was diagnosed with benign positional vertigo that will only need to be treated with therapy if it happens again.  Knock wood, it hasn't.
  I also had to go to a sleep doctor to work out night terrors.  I know stress does not medically cause these two things, but it sure as hell exacerbates both!
• 11:What was the best thing you bought?
  My new back tattoo-  "Lady Peaceful" from the Cabaret song Maybe This Time.
  Tickets to the three shows we saw this year:  Jekyll & Hyde (SUCKED, but was so worth it to see the overacting of Connie), Rocky Horror (need I explain?  And Kevin Cahoon!!), and Waiting for Godot (otherwise known as Sirsday).  Meeting Danielle Harris was awesome, as was getting my picture with the Ghostbusters Ecto-1 car and Ernie Hudson.
  I also love every single Pop Figure we accumulated and can't wait to finish off the Lannister family!  My Asics are the best.  Oh, and these jeans from Torrid have really been amazing in the weight loss journey.
• 12:Whose behavior merited celebration?
  My husband and best friends.  All the people in my grandmother's life who take her to appointments and church and drop food off for her...they'll never fully know just how grateful I am for their kindness.  
• 13:Whose behavior made you appalled?
  Not naming names, but two people in my best friends lives make me want to beat the everlovin' crap out of them.  
• 14:Where did most of your money go?
  New HVAC system, water heater, and car.  Otherwise, food, bills....we were even good at cons this year.
• 15:What did you get really, really, really excited about?
  Really really really??  Finding out that Cabaret and Hedwig are coming back to NYC theatre in 2014.  Then I got really really really sad over what this will do to my credit.  I also got really really really excited when my husband illustrated two children's books that are available on Amazon.  :-)
• 16:What song will always remind you of 2013?
  Anything Macklemore
  Everybody (Backstreet's Back)- BSB
  Bad Girls-  M.I.A.
  I Love It-  Icona Pop
  Dancing On My Own- Robyn
  Cannonball- The Breeders
  Wrecking Ball- Miley Cyrus
  Call Me Maybe-  Carly Rae Jepsen
  Applause-  Lady Gaga
  Get Lucky-  Daft Punk
  Bound 2-  Kanye West
• 17:Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer?
  (A) Happier
  (B) Thinner
  (C) About the same
• 18:What do you wish you’d done more of?
  READ.  A big resolution is to grab a stack of my books and read every single one of them this year.  I bet I have a total of two completely unread bookcases.
  I know it sounds weird, but I wish I watched more TV.  I just don't have the time, and I have the attention span of a gnat anymore.  If it's an hour long show, it HAS to be a short season otherwise I'm going to blow it off.  I'm loving how a lot of shows are midseason blocks and not stretched out all year.  
• 19:What do you wish you’d done less of?
  Sit on my ass.  I started doing that less when fall came around, but that was an awfully long time to be stuck in my Sheldon Cooper spot on the couch.  
• 20:How did you spend Christmas?
  Christmas Eve with his mom's side, picked up my grandmother and had her over for Christmas Day.  Cooked, watched some movies, took her home.  Very simple!
• 21:Did you fall in love in 2013?
  I've been in love since 2008.  :-)
• 22:What was your favorite TV program?
  The Big Bang Theory, Game of Thrones, Girls, American Horror Story, How I Met Your Mother, 2 Broke Girls, New Girl, The Mindy Project, Orange Is the New Black, L&O: SVU.  I enjoy The Goldbergs as well- local shoutouts like whoa!  I'm loving Breaking Bad as well, but I haven't finished yet (shhh).
• 23:Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
  Hate is a really strong word.  I have extreme dislike towards some people, but I feel sad that they choose to behave the way they do.  
• 24:What was the best book you read?
  Loving A Song Of Ice & Fire (Game of Thrones) series, though it's taking me forever to get through them.  I loved The Reece Malcolm List by Amy Spalding (and not just because she's my friend--  musical theatre YA lovers need to snatch this up ASAP).  I've been so immersed in ASOIAF that I completely forget what else I read this year....see, I told you I need to read like a maniac again!
• 25:What was your greatest musical discovery?
  Macklemore was the main "discovery."  I also loved Icona Pop's album and have to admit that Miley Cyrus really does have an excellent pop voice.  I like that song by Lorde as well, she has an interesting sound.  Didn't "discover" too much new stuff this year.  I also liked the Rains of Castamere.  ;-)
• 26:What did you want and get?
  Better health insurance next year.
• 27:What did you want and not get?
  Something else involving my job that I'm not going to share.  But at least I have benefits.  
• 28:What was your favorite film of this year?
  I really think it was This Is the End.  I LOVED that movie.  Much Ado About Nothing was sublime.  I also loved The To-Do List- surprising turn from Aubrey Plaza and an amazing 1993 setting.  I really enjoyed Catching Fire and Mama, and I want to see Don Jon, Spring Breakers, Saving Mr Banks, Frozen, and American Hustle.
• 29:What one thing made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
  Reuniting with my mother's best friend in the spring.  I missed her more than words can say.
• 30:How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013?
  Whatever fits at the moment?  I've been in-between sizes a lot and it's hard.  However, once a nip comes back in the air, I'm always in a skirt, tights, pendant, and boots.  Now that I'm so cold all the time, I've been adding sweaters.
• 31:What kept you sane?
  My husband and friends.  
• 32:Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
  Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, HELLO!!!!  And Adam Driver.  Two vastly different men and actors on HBO that make my pants very happy.  Oh hell, Alexis Denisof made his way back into the picture as well.  Ok fine, James Franco was still in the mix.  Damn his constant Instagram-ing
• 33:What political issue stirred you the most?
  Anything involving women's/reproductive rights, gay marriage, gun control, celebrities running their ignorant mouths, and basic human civil rights.  
• 34:Who did you miss?
  I always miss my mom, but I'm at peace with it.
• 35:Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013.
  Goes for any year:  "Breathe.  Feel.  Love.  Give.  Free."  (Hedwig and the Angry Inch)
• 36:Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
  "If at first you don't succeed, dust yourself off and try again."
• (Bonus:  Watch this, and I dare you not to smile.)

And now, Your Daily Sexy...Adam Driver

I just had a fabulous jog today (if I may toot my own horn, it was a personal best), so naturally my mind wandered towards the Girls episode when Adam was trying to get Hannah to start regularly running with him.

Here's an example of how I normally am in regards to exercise.

At least she had something lovely to run towards.  I have sunny yellow walls and a muted TV at my gym.

Let's celebrate Adam Driver's unique brand of sexiness with a couple pictures from his athletic GQ editorial.  And let's give me a round of applause for my continuous jogging without a cut half naked man to encourage me.

And now, your Daily Sexy...Nikolaj Coster-Waldau

You long haired angel. I bet you smell like Drakkar.

I could have posted all night...but I'll stop at these beauties. The second picture is a very recent shot, ergo Season 4 Jaime Lannister is going to remain delicious. 

And now, your Daily Sexy... Adam Levine

I was chatting tonight with my best friend who's like a sister to me. (from this point forward, she will be known as my "bester," and you should check out her blog.) While joking about giving her "your daily sexy news," I realized that every day should have a dose of sexy. Whether you're having a crappy day or an awesome day, it's always nice to click on a very attractive picture. Now, I know everyone's tastes may vary, but I think I'm pretty well rounded with my aesthetic preferences. And hey, you might see someone you never thought much of in a new light!

In homage to Jon Stewart's "moment of zen," here is your Daily Sexy:

The rumor is that Adam Levine is going to be revealed as People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive next week. I dedicate the debut of this new blog feature to my bester and her lust for that damn fine wiry tattooed singer.

 Yes, please.

"Stay sane inside insanity"

We went to see the final midnight performance of The Rocky Horror Show at the Bucks County Playhouse last night.  I couldn't pass this up as there was a Broadway cast and production team, notably Kevin Cahoon as Frank-N-Furter.

Cahoon (or as I lovingly call him, Cahooooon) is one of my favorite theatre actors, and he was my very first live Frank on Broadway back in 2001.  I've met him a few times over the years as I went to see a bunch of his shows and gigs (his CD? Sublime neo glam rock- buy it!), and he's always been a sweetheart.  Even though it was nearly 2 am, he stopped to chat with fans after the show (with a box of his dressing room supplies under his arm), and he was floored to hear he was my first Frank.  12 years...my god, where does the time go?  I've seen him twice now, Terrence Mann once, and a local actor at the Playhouse back in 2003.  

It's interesting that I've only seen Rocky Horror live four times considering it's one of my all time favorite musicals.  Yet, I've only seen Hedwig and the Angry Inch live once, and that show is practically my lifeline.  I saw the 1998 revival of Cabaret 45 times up through its closing performance on January 4, 2004.  I can't just go see any old performance of that show because the Sam Mendes production is just too close to my heart.  It's a big deal that I can watch the movie to perfect my Liza impression (let's face it, she would be my drag personality).  My most recent tattoo that I got in July is "Lady Peaceful" in-between my shoulder blades.  Those are the lyrics from the Cabaret song "Maybe This Time" that I've been striving for since 2001.  I found this peace with my husband.

Hunter Foster directed this production of Rocky, and he tweeted last night that the show may not be over.  This is pretty fantastic as I am all about Cahoon looking gorgeous in makeup 8 times a week.

Then....

...And now.  My god, does he age?!

This also presents a really interesting quandry.  My trifecta of shows could very possibly be in New York City at the same time in 2014.

Cabaret is going to be revived with Alan Cumming.

Hedwig is debuting on Broadway with Neil Patrick Harris.

Rocky Horror could very well find a stage with Kevin Cahoon.

If you know me at all, you know that my head is exploding right now and my credit card statements are going to be weeping.  

I wrote about Hedwig back when the press release came out, but I haven't written about Cabaret at all on here.  I have old (locked) potentially embarrassing livejournal entries all about the show and my 45 times going.  I started going in October 2000 when Matt McGrath was the Emcee and Lea Thompson was Sally Bowles, and I saw every Emcee and almost every Sally from that point forward.  I also saw plenty of other shows (sometimes in multiples) during that time and beyond.  Hey, I introduced lots of friends to Cabaret, and some of them even saw it multiple times since they enjoyed it so much!  I have been asked if it was boring seeing the same show so many times, and I have to emphasize is that it was never the same show.  Every actor brought something so different and special to the Emcee, Sally, Cliff, Fraulein Schneider, Herr Schultz, Fraulein Kost, Herr Ludwig, and all the Kit Kat boys and girls.  I can't pinpoint which shows were my favorite right now, but that sounds like a fun topic for the future!

It took awhile for me to get over the fact that Cabaret was out of my life.  I enjoyed going to Assassins at Studio 54 in spring 2004 because the stage and seating were still set up like the Kit Kat Klub.  They renovated to standard seating shortly thereafter, and I didn't see a show at that theatre until the Assassins reunion concert in December 2012.  There were still so many wonderful pieces of the theatre that hadn't changed a bit.  It felt like coming home in a strange way.

I was both thrilled and wary when I heard that the show was being revived with Alan Cumming.  Why couldn't they have just kept the show running until he was available and willing to play the final months?  Why revive the same production after 10 years?  However, it was a bit of a relief when the show closed because I wouldn't have to feel that strange sense of fan obligation to keep seeing all the casts.  Money was getting tight, and I had to start growing up.  Plus, I didn't want the show to become stale like others that had been running for so long.  It's been a long time since my crush/obsession over Alan Cumming, but my husband and I saw him in his one man show of Macbeth at Lincoln Center in July 2012, and it reminded me of what a brilliant actor he is and how good he still looks.  Of course I want to see his iconic performance!  I can see at this point that he will do it out of a true love and passion for the material.  It will be sad not to have the sadly deceased Natasha Richardson back as Sally, but it appears that the rest of the cast will be new to Cabaret.

Iconic  

These girls work their asses off.

I worry a bit that my precious memories will be tainted, but I don't think that will really be possible considering it's going to be a near carbon copy of the previous revival.  I'm excited to take my husband to the show that meant the world to me for years and got me through so many rough times. However, the timing just feels so weird...everything I love is suddenly coming back after 10 years.  I finally got the Cabaret tattoo, and then all the revival news began.  It's going to be amazing but it's not going to be the same.  I can only see Cabaret and Hedwig once, especially because we're paying for two excellent tickets for each performance, and the train fares went up, and we have bills to pay...etc.  

My life is completely different from the last time I saw these shows.  I was a morose single retail bitch who was taking care of her chronically ill parents.  Both parents have since passed, and I'm married to the best man in the world and actually in a grownup job.  The majority of my friends have married and started having kids.  I've met new people since the shows ended that have become some of my closest friends.  I'm still in contact with friends I met through Cabaret and other actor fandoms and consider them to be some of my dearest friends.  I know this is a wonderful walk down memory lane that I finally get to share with my husband.  He just saw Rocky Horror and will be seeing Cabaret and Hedwig next year.  I just wish I could put my finger on why it's just so surreal for me.  

Last night, I was trying to put together an outfit, and I had to keep taking it down a few notches.  Bright or super deep red lipstick got immediately wiped off, black eyeliner wasn't even considered thanks to always wearing glasses, glitter would just accentuate the lines around my eyes, and the one studded bracelet I found had to go on the wrist that wouldn't clash with my wedding ring.  I didn't have any nail polish or earrings on, my necklace was tasteful retro, and I felt like I had to add some definition to my mod dress with an zebra belt.  The edgiest thing about my outfit was the crimson fishnets and vinyl boots, and even they were fit well and had sensible fuzzy socks hidden for comfort.  Every time I tried to add something "dark" or "weird," I would just look at myself disgustedly and rip it off.  The thing is, I barely have any "dark" or "weird" clothes, accessories, or makeup anymore.  I suddenly want to wear things that are cute but complimentary.  I don't want to do things just because other people are doing so.  I couldn't even finish one drink with our late night pre-show dinner.  And for the record, after 5 1/2 years, that was the latest we'd ever begun a night out.  

I'm not old.  I'm going to be 33 in a few weeks.  But that means I've been in a new demographic for awhile, and I didn't fully realize it till last night.  I've never felt so old when going to a show.  I was never so grateful for daylight savings time as I was today.  We stayed in bed for half the day.  I used to have four strong drinks at Studio 54 during a two show day and still go out with friends after.  I wore whatever I wanted.  I did whatever I wanted during city days.  I didn't care if I was less functional at work the next day.

I have a life now that's not all about my needs.  I am married and make decisions with somebody else and have a 9-5 job and go through all the ups and downs of being a homeowner.  I'm also pretty damn lucky that my husband is so interested in the shows I love and wanting to get to know more about that part of me.  He listens to my stories and watches some clips or videos with me and even investigates shows on his own.  We make these city trips special now.  We are still pretty young, but we also know our limits.  Seeing Cabaret from front orchestra table seats and Hedwig close enough to potentially get a "car wash" are special events that we will talk about for years but not make the focus of our lives.

It's ok to still love and reminisce about the memories, and it's fun to make new ones.  It's ok to still be a fangirl and hold all this close to my heart.  But it's also ok to keep moving on with my life and knowing that while these moments have been impactful, becoming Lady Peaceful was the most transcendent moment of all.

F#@k, Marry, Kill Challenge

Buzzfeed posted an article described as "the 10 most heated debates you and your best friends will EVER HAVE," or 10 Sexually Frustrating Rounds of F#@k, Marry, Kill.  Hmm.  Challenge accepted, Buzzfeed!

I got my hubs to join in for the females, but I'm taking the whole damn quiz.  Why not!  Comment away with your answers.

1. Ryan Gosling
    Ryan Reynolds
    Ryan Kwanten

Who the hell is Kwanten?  I don't even feel like googling that, and his face is not pleasing me.
F#@k Reynolds, Marry Gosling, Kill Kwanten

2. Jessica Alba
    Jessica Biel
    Jessica Chastain

This was a no-brainer for me.
Me: F#@k Alba, Marry Chastain, Kill Biel
Hubs:  Same

3. Jon Hamm
    John Krasinski
    John Stamos

Another no-brainer, though I really do like Jon Hamm quite a bit....just not as much as those two.
F#@k Stamos, Marry Krasinski, Kill Hamm

4. Jennifer Hudson
    Jennifer Lawrence
    Jennifer Lopez

Not too into this one.  Pretty easy, though.
Me: F#@k Lopez, Marry Lawrence, Kill Hudson
Hubs: F#@k Hudson, Marry Lawrence, Kill Lopez

5. Michael B. Jordan
    Michael Fassbender
    Michael Cera

This was trickier....I haven't been as much of a Cera fan lately, and Jordan seemed sweet after googling.
F#@k Fassbender, Marry Jordan, Kill Cera  (Sorry George Michael)  

6. Rachel McAdams
    Rachel Bilson
    Rachel Weisz

Hubs had to think about this one.
Me: F#@k Weisz, Marry McAdams, Kill Bilson   (Sorry Summer)
Hubs:  Same

7. Adam Levine
    Adam Scott
    Adam Brody

Paging my bestie!  It's Adam Squared! (Levine and Scott)
This was a ridiculously tough one for me.  I knew who I was going to marry, but I pondered the other two all afternoon.  I did research on Google images to see what I was attracted to fastest.  I had to think about who would be more generous in bed.  With a heavy heart, I present my answer.
F#@k Levine, Marry Scott, Kill Brody  (SORRY SETH COHEN!  SOB)

8. Kate Hudson
    Kate Winslet
    Katy Perry

Easy peasy.
Me: F#@k Perry, Marry Winslet, Kill Hudson
Hubs: Same

9. Hugh Dancy
    Hugh Grant
    Hugh Jackman

Bitch, please.  EASY.
F#@k Grant, Marry Jackman, Kill Dancy

10. Kelly Rowland
      Michelle Williams
      Beyonce

Destiny's Child?  REALLY?
Me: F#@k Beyonce, Marry Michelle, kill Kelly
Hubs:  Kill myself
      

Neil Patrick Harris. Hedwig. JOY.

The big news in theatre today is that Neil Patrick Harris is going to star in the first Broadway production of the rock musical Hedwig and the Angry Inch in spring 2014.

Pretty much all of my theatre fan friends are collectively losing their shit.  I got tagged in a Facebook post, and when I clicked on the link, I audibly gasped at my desk and almost sucked the air out of the room.  I almost danced around my office with flailing glee, which is something I haven't done since I saw Assassins was having a one night reunion concert last year.  Hey, NPH was in that show as well!  And did I mention that he was off book for the reunion after one weekend of rehearsal?  

I haven't really seen much negativity towards this news, but I'm sure it's out there.  The collective flailing is just overshadowing that right now.  This production is going to begin after How I Met Your Mother ends for good.  It's pretty awesome that NPH is already giving us something to look forward to.  Barney Stinson and Hedwig Robinson are two incredibly different characters, and I'm so glad that he's proving his range once again.  His Broadway stints were mostly before HIMYM, and I'm privileged to have seen him in Cabaret 4 times and in Assassins 3 times.  He also did the LA tour stop of Rent, the London production of tick...Tick...Boom!, Proof, and the Sweeney Todd and Company concerts.

Let's examine why NPH will rock the hell out of Miss Hedwig:

Look at John Cameron Mitchell.  Now look at NPH.  

 

Two beautiful men with defined features and wry smirks who can rock blonde hair.  We can abbreviate their names with a triple letter acronym and refer to them as such!  JCM is the genius who created, wrote, and portrayed Hedwig.  He performed the show off-Broadway at the Jane Street Theatre and wrote, directed, and starred in the 2001 movie version.  Hedwig was supposed to recently come to Broadway with JCM starring, but that production never happened.  I was just thinking about what happened to that rumor a couple days ago, and I was treated to this news today.

They both look beautiful in makeup and are unafraid to embrace the glam. 

JCM with the composer Stephen Trask

   
NPH as the Emcee in Cabaret.

Look at those lips.  Just imagine them in thick Cookie Puss lipstick (below) speaking in a German accent again.

Think of the score.  I can envision him singing half the score already.  I can actually close my eyes and imagine the spin he'll put on the songs.  That is proof of his distinctive voice.  His diction is absolutely impeccable, even with an accent.  Yet, the melody is never stilted or boring.  His tenor is clear and soaring, and he builds emotion beautifully.  Can you imagine him singing "The Origin Of Love" or "Wig In a Box"?  Oh my goodness, I already have chills.  

He may not have had a lot of experience in rock musicals, with the exception of Rent, but I still think he's going to pull off the harder rock songs like "Angry Inch" and "Exquisite Corpse."  Have you seen do random musical numbers on award shows?  Did you see him sing AC/DC on HIMYM?  I believe he will embrace the rock just fine, and I'm sure he'll give a fantastic "car wash."  His evolution in the final numbers is going to be insane.  Hedwig may be the most genuine punk rock musical out there, but it's still rife with emotion and character growth.    

Remember, the stage version is a one-woman show.  He hosts almost every award show now, and he broke the fourth wall with the audience as the Emcee in Cabaret 8 times a week in 2003.  NPH has plenty of experience in commanding a stage and wooing an audience.  He's very funny and is excellent at improvising and playing off an audience vibe.  

I always dreamed of seeing JCM and his successors Michael Cerveris, Kevin Cahoon, and Matt McGrath as Hedwig, but I think that this choice is even better.  This is a chance for more people to be exposed to the beauty and perfection that is Hedwig and the Angry Inch.  This is a chance for NPH to show his true acting chops once Barney leaves our weekly DVR schedule.  This is the chance for a household name to tell Hedwig's story.  This is the time to rediscover and acclaim a beautiful transgender musical.  

It is clear that I must find my other half.  But is it a he or a she?
What does this person look like?  Identical to me?  Or somehow complementary?

Does my other half  have what I don't?  Did he get the looks?  The luck?  The love?
Were we really separated forceably or did he just run off with the good stuff?  Or did I?
Will this person embarrass me?  What about sex?  Is that how we put ourselves back together again?

Or can two people actually become one again?