I know, it sucks. Life as you know it isn't worth living. Just grab one of your red leopard print journals and start plastering it with emo musings and freshly printed grainy pictures. Listen to Weezer or one of your new OBC recordings to soothe the pain.
You've already come to terms with the pain that you'll never see Alan Cumming live as the Emcee in Studio 54. The Donmar Cabaret video will hold you over, but it's just not the same. So you began wearing out the 1998 Original Broadway Cast Recording until you had to buy replacement backups. So you have the CD booklet in your purse with you at all times. So that one therapist thought you were a bit nuts for being so obsessed with a skinny vulgar man in makeup. So everyone at your work thinks you're crazy for constantly having the journal with you while making frequent trips up to NYC. So what if NYC is your salvation and true therapy during these difficult family times. You got to see Alan Cumming 5 times in the play Design for Living, and you met him. You have 3 pictures with him. You're pretty on top of the world. 2001 may not be so bad after all.
You have matching eyebrow piercings with Alan, and you've bleached chunks of your hair to look like your mutual Girl Power love Ginger Spice. You are exploring body modification and cover up your thickening body as much as you can. Socially, you are broadening your horizons online and have your close friends at home, but you're still miserable because you don't have a boyfriend. Right now, NYC is your boyfriend.
Thanks to the Alan Cumming obsession, you watched the movie The Anniversary Party multiple times in the theatre. One of the previews was always for the new movie Hedwig and the Angry Inch. You were vaguely familiar with this since you were immersing yourself into the theatre world, and are drawn to the drag and punk aesthetic. Needless to say, you made plans to go with your best friend to see it on a hot summer night in Philadelphia.
You were unaware of your surroundings during those 95 minutes. By the time "Origin of Love" began, you were completely mesmerized. You couldn't get enough of the music, the costumes, whether or not Yitzhak is a woman, and the raw and true emotion. Your brain couldn't process everything and you knew you needed to see this again. You were pretty quiet after the movie ended because you knew that you would never be the same.
Pulling up reviews and websites for Hedwig became a regular pastime. You realized that your first live Emcee (who you are in love with) was in both The Anniversary Party and starred as the final Hedwig off-Broadway in 2000. Matt McGrath is the link to your two new worlds, and you became emotionally attached to him all the way through his final Cabaret performance in October. You obtained special recordings and tried to experience these different renditions of Hedwig that you will never get to see. Sure, you see a Philly production a year later, and it was absolutely fabulous. But no one will affect you like John Cameron Mitchell, creator, performer, director, genius.
You play the movie soundtrack and off-Broadway CD often. You absorb Stephen Trask's lyrics and post selections on your LiveJournal when you're not waxing poetic about what Broadway show you'll see next. You saw the movie in a local theatre two more times by yourself. One of these times was for a review you had to write for your theatre class. Eerily enough, you were making the final edits on the morning of 9/11. It was a very confusing week. Focusing on the show and the declining Broadway box offices helped you. You even went to NYC on 9/25 to support Cabaret, much to the horror of your family.
When Hedwig was released on DVD in the winter, you bought it immediately at Suncoast and licked it in front of all the patrons. You don't understand why critics compare it to Rocky Horror (another favorite) because there is so much more heart, pain, confusion and life on top of the comparable beautiful costumes, thick makeup and sexuality. What kills you inside is that you know you won't ever see JCM perform Hedwig onstage. He had many replacements in the run, and it didn't look like it was coming back to the Jane Street any time soon.
You leapt on the opportunity to meet JCM at a DVD signing at TLA Video on December 15, 2001. He was so petite and sweet and lovely and you just wanted to die when he gave you the quintessential JCM closed mouth grin. You got a picture while towering over him in the seats. You proudly explored the West Village by yourself for the first time. You decided to see Rocky Horror for the first time on Broadway in the afternoon, and Kevin Cahoon happened to be understudying Frank-N-Furter that week. Cahoon was one of the Jane Street Hedwigs, and you just saw him in the DVD documentary. Needless to say, you found a new love that day. Then you decided to see Cabaret at night, and it was your second time seeing Raul Esparza as the Emcee. Little did you know that he would become a love of yours as well, despite your emo brooding over Matt's departure.
You had Hedwig and the Angry Inch, The Rocky Horror Show, and Cabaret all in one day. This is your trifecta of favorite shows. You will never have a more perfect day in New York City. You will come close! You will come damn close. But nothing has surpassed Saturday, December 15, 2001.
You found all these new loves, but you will still hang onto regret for years, no matter what Rent tells you to do. You will see original casts, you will see actors return to their roles, but there's a sad part of your soul yearning to see JCM or Alan in their definitive roles. Oh sure, you will see JCM in a Tony Kushner workshop and a Larry Kramer benefit. Bring tissues, as he's even brilliant when delivering his lines in plainclothes on a folding chair. You will see Alan in an avant-garde Jean Genet play and then ignore him for 9 years until his one-man production of Macbeth that you will see with your husband. Yes, you do get married. Don't worry, he's wonderfully supportive, loving, and geeky, and you won't know what to do without him. (And he will support your loves.)
The weirdest thing will start happening after you get married...favorite closed shows will return in some capacity. You will have told your husband all about your past theatre-going days, but you'll be sad because he will never have a chance to fully experience your favorite shows. Then Assassins (yes, you will actually worship a Sondheim show) will come back for a one-night concert reunion in 2012. You will squeeze your butts in the rear mezzanine while you lament how Studio 54 got remodeled after Cabaret and Assassins closings. (Yes, you were at Cabaret's closing show, and yes, Alan had nothing to do with it, and yes, you saw Matt and hid because you didn't want to scare him.) You will be so excited to see Neil Patrick Harris and Denis O'Hare again. I know, you're surprised that you've seen NPH multiple times in two shows and never saw Vinnie Delpino in one.
The unbelievable happens in 2013...Roundabout will announce that Cabaret will be revived at Studio 54 with Alan Cumming and Michelle Williams in March 2014. But then- then- Hedwig and the Angry Inch will announce its Broadway debut with NPH in March 2014.
Your head will feel like it's going to explode. All these conflicting, wonderful, and nostalgic feelings will wash over you. It will be bad timing because you will have so many grownup responsibilities and problems. Don't worry, you'll get through them, but the revival news will come at a very strange time. You won't be able to buy tickets as soon as they go on sale, but you will eventually snag them for the same weekend in April, which happens to be your 2nd wedding anniversary weekend. Did I mention your husband is amazing? You got your Cabaret tattoo in 2013 and you get your Hedwig tattoo a couple weeks before the performance.
In the meantime, your friend produces a two night 10 year reunion concert of Taboo, the Boy George musical that got you through 2003-2004. You won't even blink over spending the money for highly in-demand tickets in February 2014. You really did make some wonderful friends over your theatre-going years. You may be a bit of a loner up there now, but things are going to change in 2002.
April 26th and 27th, 2014. Two days you will never forget. 12-13 years after it all began.
Hedwig will be a religious experience. You are still a skeptic who doesn't believe in an organized religion, but you believe in Hedwig. NPH will be so amazing that you will have a transcendental experience and almost fling yourself off the mezz when he sings the lyrics "Lift up your hands." And you're going to laugh, but your new favorite song will be "Sugar Daddy." Just trust me. Cabaret will bring you to tears as soon as you walk back into Studio 54, or your second home from October 2000-January 2004. You won't be able to breathe during the "Willkommen" drum roll, and you will sob up until Alan starts taking off his coat. You will have to calm yourself so you can wipe the streaky tears and fog off your glasses, as this may be the only time you get to see him perform as the Emcee. Absorb every millisecond.
You will not plan on going back to the show, but then an actress you grow to love in the late 2000's will be playing Sally Bowles. You and your husband will be dying to see her, so you buy tickets for December 2014. You get there, and her understudy's on. You will not stay to see Alan so you can afford to buy tickets for another performance. This will confuse you since you have never ever turned down tickets to see Alan perform. It will be the moment you realize that you've really grown. After all, you won't even see the first two Hedwig replacements after NPH, as much as you like them. And you didn't run to write about the shows like you thought you would in April. No more painstaking logging.
You will be in an even tougher period of your life. Please, don't panic, you will be stronger than you think. But you will receive news that makes the theatre section of the Internet explode: John Cameron Mitchell will be playing Hedwig for 8 weeks on Broadway.
JCM. As Hedwig. On Broadway.
You will get tickets that afternoon for his fourth performance and first Saturday.
You will feel like nothing else in theatre will ever be as important as those 100 minutes on January 24, 2015.
You will have checked off your bucket list with Alan, but you never in a million years expected to see JCM get back into the wig and makeup, He pretty much retired from acting after the movie and switched to directing. You will immerse yourself in the music and pictures and memories all over again. You will not believe your luck. You will feel like you're in your early 20's again.
You will be so grateful that this piece of art is being represented as it should be by the master. Everyone will be saying "The bitch is back, the queen is back." Gay and transgender civil rights will be hot topics in 2014-2015. In some ways, you will feel like the country is regressing, but in other ways, you will see that progress is being made. It will be very important for the hugely famous household name (yes!) and openly gay (yes!!) actor Neil Patrick Harris to kick off the production. So many people will come to see the show who normally wouldn't. New fans will be made, old fans will be happy to see Miss Hedwig back. But the fans who were around when the character was workshopped in the 1990s, at the Jane Street, at the movie, whether in the theatre or on DVD....these are the people who are losing their minds with joy over John Cameron Mitchell coming back to the role that he created and made iconic.
As you know, this is not an easily described show. Even a quick summary involves the words "botched sex change" which usually garners some funny looks. It's a highly personal show that means many different things to different people. You will be touched by so many parts of the show and score over the years. You always feel like you are understood while sitting and crying during the songs.
"I look back at where I'm from
Look at the woman I've become
And the strangest things seem suddenly routine"
You will even run a decently timed mile, thanks to the pulsating score.
"Oh God
I'm all sewn up
A hardened razor-cut
scar map across my body
And you can trace the lines
Through Misery's design
That map across my body"
Your tattoo will be a direct quote from the eleven o' clock number. (bolded)
"You think that luck has left you there
But maybe there's nothing up in the sky but air
And there's no mystical design
No cosmic lover preassigned
There's nothing you can find
that cannot be found
Cause with all the changes you've been through
It seems the stranger's always you
Alone again in some new wicked little town."
But ultimately, you will have a reading at your wedding from Plato's Symposium, or the basis for "Origin of Love," as you will have found your other half. You will even make sure that the song is referenced at the end, because how can you get married without the spiritual influence of JCM and Trask?
When one of us meets our other half, we are lost in an amazement of love and friendship and intimacy, and would not be out of the other's sight even for a moment. We pass our whole lives together, desiring that we should be melted into one, to spend our lives as one person instead of two, and so that after our death there will be one departed soul instead of two; this is the very expression of our ancient need. And the reason is that human nature was originally one and we were a whole, and the desire and pursuit of the whole is called Love.
That's the origin of love.
You may be part of all the misfits and the losers at 21 years old, and you will always be one of these wonderfully diverse, creative, open-minded, fulfilling people. You will be set free by your mother and be able to become one with your other half. She will shine like your brightest star, and you will breathe, feel, love, give, free.
You will get through these next years of your life. There will be some real winners, there will be some real losers. But you will begin to fulfill your dreams and bucket lists. You will become who you are meant to be. You will surround yourself with people who understand and love you. And you will defy anybody to try and tear you down.
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